diff --git a/.github/workflows/ci.yml b/.github/workflows/ci.yml
index 0f5ba8a88..e0d49a3a1 100644
--- a/.github/workflows/ci.yml
+++ b/.github/workflows/ci.yml
@@ -79,9 +79,12 @@ jobs:
   flake:
     name: Flake
     runs-on: ubuntu-latest
-    # A runner-level guard, not a target. The gate builds every check serially
-    # from a cold hosted store; the bedwars binary alone measured 620 to 670
-    # seconds across four runs on 2026-07-28 and everything else is minutes.
+    # A runner-level guard, not a target. The gate realises every check from a
+    # cold hosted store in one `nix build --keep-going`, so nix schedules them
+    # up to `max-jobs` (auto, four here) rather than one at a time. The floor is
+    # the release compile plus the longest single gate behind it: on run
+    # 30500640846 that was roughly 500 seconds of crate graph and then
+    # `smash-e2e` at 639.
     timeout-minutes: 90
     steps:
       - uses: actions/checkout@v4
diff --git a/nix/ci/flake-gate.nix b/nix/ci/flake-gate.nix
index 8f84b45e3..5a965c370 100644
--- a/nix/ci/flake-gate.nix
+++ b/nix/ci/flake-gate.nix
@@ -101,9 +101,75 @@ let
           ${reasonArms}esac
       }
 
-      build() {
-        nix build --accept-flake-config --no-link --print-build-logs \
-          "$flake#checks.${system}.$1"
+      # One `nix build` for the whole set, rather than one per name.
+      #
+      # The checks ran strictly one after another and nothing about a check
+      # needs the machine to itself, so all the serialisation bought was wall
+      # clock. Measured on GitHub Actions run 30500640846: 67 checks, 2102
+      # seconds, of which `smash-e2e` was 639 and `bedwars-bow-e2e` was 546.
+      # The other 65 queued behind those two, and 55 of the 67 were under 20
+      # seconds each.
+      #
+      # Concurrency is nix's own `max-jobs` and is deliberately not pinned
+      # here. `nix-installer-action` writes `max-jobs = auto`, so on the hosted
+      # runner it is the core count -- four, which the hud gate reads back off
+      # the same machine as `CPU 2% of 400%`. A number written into this script
+      # would be that machine's number on everybody else's. It also does not
+      # raise the ceiling: one `nix build` of one e2e check already scheduled
+      # its crate units four wide, so four is what the compile phase ran at
+      # before this. What changes is that whole checks overlap, and an e2e gate
+      # spends its time waiting on a server to boot rather than on a core.
+      #
+      # `--keep-going` is load bearing. Without it the first failed check
+      # abandons the rest, and every name after it would report as failed
+      # having never been attempted -- the opposite of the complete report the
+      # loops below exist to produce.
+      #
+      # The cost, named: an evaluation error in any one check now aborts the
+      # command before anything builds, so every name reports FAILED where only
+      # the broken one used to. nix prints the eval error with the offending
+      # attribute in it immediately above the report, which is where to look
+      # when every name goes red at once.
+      installables=()
+      for name in "''${enforced[@]}" "''${excluded[@]}"; do
+        installables+=("$flake#checks.${system}.$name")
+      done
+
+      # `--print-build-logs` prefixes every line with the derivation that
+      # emitted it, which is what keeps interleaved logs attributable. The
+      # prefix is the derivation name and not the check name, so `smash-e2e`
+      # reads as `hyperion-smash-e2e`.
+      #
+      # The exit status is discarded on purpose: it says only that something
+      # failed, and which checks failed is the question the loops below answer
+      # per name. It is also the expected status whenever `excluded` is
+      # non-empty.
+      nix build --accept-flake-config --no-link --print-build-logs --keep-going \
+        "''${installables[@]}" || true
+
+      # Did this check pass? Asked of the store, never by building it again.
+      #
+      # `--max-jobs 0` forbids starting a local build, so this exits 0 exactly
+      # when the output is already realised and fails otherwise; `--builders ""`
+      # closes the same door for a contributor whose nix.conf names a remote
+      # builder. A plain `nix build` per name would instead rebuild every check
+      # that just failed, because a failed derivation is not in the store, and
+      # the slowest thing in the job would be paid for twice.
+      #
+      # Asked of nix rather than by comparing `.outPath` against the store,
+      # because cargoUnit content-addresses every crate unit and a derivation
+      # downstream of a content-addressed one has a deferred output path.
+      # `nix eval .#checks.${system}.smash-e2e.outPath` answers with a
+      # placeholder rather than a store path for 14 of the 67 checks, and those
+      # 14 are exactly the e2e gates.
+      #
+      # Output is dropped because the only thing on the failing path is nix
+      # explaining that it will not build with max-jobs 0, which is the answer
+      # rather than a problem. The build above is where a check says why it
+      # failed.
+      realised() {
+        nix build --accept-flake-config --no-link --max-jobs 0 --builders "" \
+          "$flake#checks.${system}.$1" > /dev/null 2>&1
       }
 
       status=0
@@ -112,7 +178,7 @@ let
       # Every failure is reported rather than the first one only, so a single
       # push can fix all of them.
       for name in "''${enforced[@]}"; do
-        if build "$name"; then
+        if realised "$name"; then
           echo "ok        $name"
         else
           echo "FAILED    $name"
@@ -122,7 +188,7 @@ let
       done
 
       for name in "''${excluded[@]}"; do
-        if build "$name"; then
+        if realised "$name"; then
           echo "STALE     $name"
           {
             echo "checks.${system}.$name is excluded from CI but now builds."